Robbie WilliamsRobbie Williams has ranted about how he’s repelled by Hollywood dating rules - and about being two-timed by a mystery woman called Tina.

Ranting on his website, he said: “There are a few dating rules people adhere to out here in Hollywood. And they’re all f***ing stupid… Don’t call until the next day. Then don’t get back to him for at least 2 days etc.”

“It’s all rubbish. If any of the rules are applied to me, I respond in kind by never speaking to them again.”

But Tina, a real estate worker, got through his dating security shields after he met her at a restaurant: “As I left the sweaty eatery I noted her carp-like eyes dancing a merry jig.”

“A jig that said a: He’s got my number, he may call it, and b: Look at the paparazzi swarm his car. He is wanted… I must have him. . . Indeed, if she had a c**k it would have been standing to attention.”

The pair enjoyed two cosy nights together before she told him she already had a boyfriend: “I trust you less than ever now. You have completely blown any trust I had for you by being a devious c***.”

“If I knew my girlfriend had been on a dinner and DVD night with another man I would be livid. I’m furious thinking about!!!!!!! And it happened weeks ago.”

“She’s got a really terrible profile. It’s weird. She’s amazing from the front, but from the side she looks like a shed’s about to land on her on a special delivery from Kansas. I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

“Apart from the dodgy profile, I liked her and I expect more from her and women in general.”